A couple of weeks ago my mum died (July 8th). It has been a strange time for me. First there was the shock of hearing the news. Of course we all knew one day she would die – in fact doctors told us that she would die years ago. I still felt shocked when it happened.
Everyone has been excellent to me since it happened. People have given me good wishes and reassured me of their prayers. I’m very grateful for them all.
I’ve tried hard to keep going – what am I supposed to do anyway? Should I cry for a few days? Will it make any difference if I did? There has been a lot to do but being busy has somehow helped a little – partly because the busyness has involved spending time with my dad and brothers – something I seldom seem to have time to do.
Now I’m starting to feel that I want some time just to think. I’m trying to find a couple of days of space when I can think and just be alone. My relationship with my mum was not always perfect. She could be demanding and even manipulating but she was still the woman I clung to as a child, the one who gave me life and helped me make sense of the world (at least to begin the process). I need time to say I’m sorry to her for all my failings; time to be angry with her and so forgive her for all her failings; time to say goodbye to one of the most important people in my life.
I don’t think this will all happen in one or two days but I’d like to have the chance to at least begin the process. If the weather allows I shall be off to Dartmoor to do this – somehow all that open space and nothing to do but walk and look and think helps me. I remember many happy Dartmoor picnics; perhaps it is a fitting place to say my goodbyes.