I’m posting some non-sense on Facebook each day to keep my friends entertained. I will also post them here (on this post) from time to time so if you miss an instalment or are not my friend on Facebook you can still read them (please do not take them seriously!!).
Disclaimer: None of this is true and no animals were hurt during the writing of these thoughts. More to come another time (if you can stand it).
I’ve been trying hard to survive my time shut in the house due to Covid-19. Being a good Methodist I’m missing the endless business meetings, of course. So in an effort to stay sane I’ve formed a Covid Flourishing Committee. I’m having trouble finding members to join though. I tried persuading my family but they all have prior engagements, apparently. We meet on a Saturday evening which clashes with the Choir I started yesterday but sacrifices must be made (to be honest nobody wanted to join my Choir either). I have managed to persuade one person to attend the meetings. I tried all the usual things: flattery, encouragement, begging. But in the end I resorted to my old favourite guilt and so I’ve agreed to attend the meeting – on a temporary basis (I imagine that means I will be able to give up in 20 years or so).
First item on the agenda was to plan some means of entertainment. We all agreed to learn a musical instrument. I started with the drums but apparently we need all the pans for cooking! I then tried the bagpipes but the neighbours wanted their cat back and I couldn’t get the pipes I had available to fit anyway. I then bought up all the toilet roll in the town and tried to make an organ from the tubes but I had a great deal of trouble sticking it all together (and the crowd of angry protestors outside the house is distracting). If anyone has an idea for an instrument you can make from 500,000 tins of beans (I’m imagining some kind of wind instrument) perhaps you could let me know. Oh, good news is I finished my first bottle of hand sanitiser, only 394,999 more to go. It is a good job the Churches are shut, at least I have somewhere to store it all.
I’ve had to rearrange things to get everyone in for the meetings. I’ve set out chairs around my study – an achievement in itself given its diminutive size and lack of any carpet showing through the piles of books (yes they are all important and yes I will read them one day). I have put coloured sheets on each of the chairs to represent my various moods during the meeting: Red represents anger (I seem to be sitting on that one a great deal), Blue represents sadness, Green represents calm. But then I ran out of sheets so my paisley pyjamas represent when I’m sleepy, a plastic sheet represents when I’m feeling sick about something and I’ve spread some nails on one to represent when I feel uncomfortable (this one seems to be very effective but it is taking me 10 minutes each time to remove some of my discomfort). Now that is done it is back to business.
We have a plan to help with social distancing – the appropriate pole. This will be a pole 2 meters long that everyone must carry. If you meet someone when out for a walk you simply poke them with the stick to ensure they keep the appropriate distance. This stick might also be useful in the future should you encounter someone you don’t like the look of and want to keep your distance from (e.g. members of the clergy who wear cassocks everywhere, politicians, salespeople and relatives, etc) . We experimented with an exclusion hoop to wear around your middle but when walking down the pavement we kept pushing young children off the pavement and in front of cars (for some reason the Ambulance service didn’t like us doing this). You may consider wiring up the pole to the mains in case someone comes to your door and won’t keep their distance.
Good news, we have decided to do a live stream of our service at 11:00am every Sunday. Unfortunately, we will be having our service at 8:30am and so it is all over by 11:00am. However, you might be in time to watch me drinking my after service cup of coffee and talking about what is the matter with the world today and haven’t we had good weather. We will also be live streaming our prayer meeting on Mondays at 2pm (the meeting is at 4pm) and a time of fellowship will be at 8pm (we are meeting at 6pm). I hope you appreciate the careful planning that has gone in to this arrangement.
I’ve been closely following the experts on FaceComic (it has less pages and is easier to read) and am developing some ideas of how to avoid getting the virus. My first theory is that the virus seems to find its way up people’s noses, so perhaps if noses were turned the other way it would stop it. Apparently, pliers don’t work, I’m told the swelling will go down in a few days. Instead I’ve taken to going everywhere upside down. Lacing my shoes with my feet was a little tricky and reversing the car is difficult but I’ve only hit four other vehicles so far so things aren’t too bad, although the Police have been very obstructive.